I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
