She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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