i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
