I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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