So drunk its hurt
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
