please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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