I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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