i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
