i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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