I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All I want is dick and wine.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
