I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just forgot I was standing up.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
