Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
