girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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