i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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