Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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