remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
