i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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