You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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