I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
