your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
wrigley field is MILF paradise
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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