my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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