Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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