If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
