I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
