We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
