My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry about my life...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
