Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
