i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I FOUND THE LEGS
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
