I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
