The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
