I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Couch. On fire.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
