I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
