don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
