I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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