Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
