I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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