So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
