when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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