we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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