Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
