I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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