I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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