I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
babies were throwing up all over the place
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
