Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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