so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
