Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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