Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My underwear smells like fireworks.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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