3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
