When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
