I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
