I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
