I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
