I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
two words...techno handjob
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
