Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
