i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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