We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
